"I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I...I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."
Maybe that's why I picked this title....because I don't know what it means. I wish I did, I thought I did--several times--but to no avail.
However, as time goes on, I believe I'm being shown what it means to live, to be here, bit by bit. It's like I'm trying to open a window in a dark room, little by little the light seeps in. But the window's heavy, and I feel as though I push and shove against the frame that weighs exactly as much as I do.
It makes me feel like I'm the problem sometimes...as if I am the only one stopping myself to see what's around me. But then, I stop myself and wonder if I want to see the world around me for what it really is. It's a scary thing to know the truth sometimes, and part of me would rather deal with the bruises of stumbling in the darkness than the exposed, nakedness that's revealed with the light.
I stepped outside to a beautiful spring day today. The sun's warm rays met my face, and I felt as though I had been away from an old friend for far too long. Warmth felt good, it felt beautiful.
I found myself on a swing set, propelling myself back and forth through the warm air. I look up at the sky and feel the sickening feeling of that drop in your stomach. You hate it so much, yet you love the twinge of pain, that bump in your stomach that makes you feel like you're not on the ground anymore, that there's nothing underneath you....you forget about the chains, you forget about the swing, and you might just end up flat on your back....but hell, it's magical....God, I feel like such a masochist when I swing.
I think back to another swing and a dark evening at Wessleman's, the flashing of a DDR screen, and coconut ice cream at Lic's.
I think of sitting by the river, sneaking glances at my own personal jukebox belting out his rendition of "Champagne High" and pretending I didn't hear so he'll sing it again.
I remember feeling like the ground wasn't underneath me anymore....I forgot the chains that held me and the security underneath me....but I remember holding my peace, keeping my mouth shut. That was me, I was just the listener. That's....why I was here....right?
But what if the peace wasn't peace at all? What if it was chaos?
What if....you couldn't keep your mouth shut anymore?
What if....you got it wrong about why you're here?
That's how I feel....like maybe I've gotten it all wrong. Like my identity as a home-town girl with nothing better than to sit and wonder about the outside world. I felt like I knew who I was, like I had discovered everything about myself that there was to be found. I wondered why all those who were older than me were still having mid-life crises and were still wondering what to do with themselves.
But then....I went away.
I went to a place where I was on my own. Where I was looking up at the sky, where my chains felt like they were gone. I felt sick to my stomach, I almost threw up....but then I realized....
I liked it
I liked the feeling of being out from under the earthly limitations that come with the package deal of being from a small town. For once I didn't know everyone, I was something new.
I was a slate, a blank room, and I could design myself however I wanted to.
This past year at school, I have searched myself to the deepest points. At times, I have loved myself....and at others, I've been unable to look into my own eyes in the mirror's reflection, because they really are the window to the soul. There were days when I spun down the hallway, and days I stayed in a crumpled heap in bed. I have felt my heart flutter and sink, long and be longed for.
There have been times that I have felt "in love" and there are times when I have felt utter loathing....it all varied on who I was that day, what part of myself I had explored.
So....I don't know if I have a destiny, I don't know what God has planned for me....or who exactly I am in Him, or this big world.
However, I do know one thing--chained or free--I am here, and I am still standing.
And right now,
that is all that matters.
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